Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
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When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.