Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Has science gone too far?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Once again not all heroes wear capes