[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
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Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?