eating my hot dog hamburger style
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i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.