eating my hot dog hamburger style
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Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers