2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
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My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…