ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I love art.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
did it work
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?