M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
called in thicc to work this morning
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.