I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
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I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
😂🤣😂🤣
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone