I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
![]()
You Might Also Like
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️![]()
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
![]()
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy