This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
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cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol