Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
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Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[eats all your cotton candy]
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Here’s a meme
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight