Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
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Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
accurate
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.