My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
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Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
This meal prepping shit is easy
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I don’t get marriage
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what