*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
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The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
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dude it’s called proctologist
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13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count