*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again