They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”