“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
“Knight to f3”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
This fall on CBS
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Me: release half of one hostage
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!