“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.