“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”![]()
You Might Also Like
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
This guy gets it.
![]()
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”![]()
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover