This guy gets it.
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What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.