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[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat