The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.