1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
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“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
who will stop them