Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
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For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.