Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers