I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
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Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.