Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
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PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.