Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
The booster protects against what, now?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.