Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Always
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.