COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
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Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Called it
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
How high do the levels go?
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.