Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
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Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”![]()
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag