Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
You Might Also Like
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.