why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Duck typos.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay