6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
You Might Also Like
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
How about daylight saves us for once
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
😂😂😂😂😂😂