Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
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The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Happy thanksgiving!
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.