“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
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When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.