When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
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2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
So inspired right now.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t