11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
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I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Great Canadian literature.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….