I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me