“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows