M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
H: No, but whatever.
H: Nah, but your call.
He’s dead now
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*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
Guarantees in life:
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
How times have changed.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have