M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
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I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Aight bet
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.