M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
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Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.