if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
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Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
started wrapping my pills in cheese