my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
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did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Breaking news:
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Software Development ⛵️
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.