Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
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Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.