Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
You Might Also Like
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
*cough*
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.