me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Pandas 🐼🖤
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.