Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.