Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Cheers Twitter.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant