If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
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“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
This squirrel eats better than I do
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.