Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
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Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
How actors in movies eat their food
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.