Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
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Speak now or ever hold your peace
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Oh the world we live in…
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
So sick of all these stupid rules