I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
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Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
When I pack too much for a short trip.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My wedding will be open casket.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
ok this is my dumbest yet
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!