The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
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me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
One venti cheeseburger please.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
thanks auntie mary
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.