what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
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I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
#milo
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Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments