Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
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THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
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My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.