I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
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COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank